Not Just Your Garden-Variety Neurotic Smartass.

And Here I Sit, Broken-hearted.

On the day I got home from the hospital, my daughter began to scream at me and cry, because she didn’t think I was concerned about her feelings. That was and is of course not the case.

This was followed by a lot of frostiness on her part, and during the multiple times I asked her to sit down and talk to me, she snapped that she wasn’t ready. Finally, on Wednesday night, she let me have it.

Apparently I have been a horrifically shitty parent, and my mental illnesses have ruined her life. She screamed at me for what felt like hours, and I was just sobbing, feeling so much guilt and anger and shame; but I told her the truth – my mental illnesses are sometimes (often) completely beyond my control. I take several different medications and I take them religiously, every day, but sometimes they’re just not enough. I’m kind of a hard case.

I feel completely ineffective and heartbroken, and I feel (rightfully so) that she completely resents me and hates me, and that she has so much pent-up rage against me that I am frightened.

So, I left. I am staying with my dad for a few days to relax, decompress, and avoid her venom. In a way it was probably stupid to leave my own home, but I felt utterly defeated and just needed to get out of there. I’m sure she’s thrilled to have me gone again.

For many years I kept my mental illnesses to myself because when she was a child, I didn’t feel like she would understand, and as she got older, I didn’t want to burden her. Little did I know that I WAS burdening her, and that she would grow up resenting me. Hating me. Not wanting to be near me.

I can’t make the past right. All I can do is what I’m supposed to be doing and if she doesn’t feel that’s good enough, I don’t know what else to do.

I am going home Monday or Tuesday, and I’m sure the shit will hit the fan again, but I will be ready, and I’m not going to just sit there and listen while she verbally destroys me. I have illnesses that are medical. It’s as if she’s blaming me for having cancer. I can’t tolerate that.

I am notoriously bad at standing up for myself, but I have always done what I thought was best for her, even if I was mistaken. I have supported her the best way I know how; and even though we have had very limited resources, I always made sure she had everything she needed and most of what she wanted. She is almost 22 and has quit nearly every job she’s ever had, she’s been out of work for a year, and she spends all day playing video games. She has never once considered that we might need extra income, and she feels that most jobs are beneath her even though she has no formal education.

I am exhausted and weak to begin with as I get used to this strong new medication, and this has flattened me. I was in such a good mood when I got home and was so happy to be there, and she broke my heart. I feel like I have failed as a parent and as a human being. I also feel like she will never love or trust me again, all because I went to get the help I needed so badly.

I am not really ok, but I am still holding my head up, talking to friends, and trying to remain as positive as I can be. That’s all I can do.

Be well.

2 thoughts on And Here I Sit, Broken-hearted.

  1. For some reason I thought she had moved in with a boyfriend and the verbal abuse had ended.. Is there any chance she might move in with him? Good luck when you go home this week. Honestly, it sounds like she’s using you as an excuse for her own lack of initiative and success in life. I do know that you can’t flip a switch to “turn off” depression or anxiety. Be strong.

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