Not Just Your Garden-Variety Neurotic Smartass.

Curse the Foul Flakes.

It snowed again. While that in and of itself is no astonishing news for a Chicago February, what is strange is that just Sunday it was 58 degrees.

I’m no fan of snow. Sure, it occasionally looks pretty for about a minute before the plows come by and during the moments all the trees are full of sparkling white boughs; and if you’re not from around here you might call it picturesque, but if you are from here you know that it’s just an unwavering pain in the ass.

Snow sucks to walk in or to drive in; and if you don’t have someone else doing your grunt work for you, it truly sucks to shovel. I curse more while shoveling snow than doing anything else in life, and I curse a lot.

And is it just me, or do kids not “do” snow anymore? It seemed like when I was a kid (here goes my middle-aged white woman When I Was a Kid anecdote) kids were always out playing in the snow – building igloos with those big plastic brick-things, building snowmen, and of course, indulging in the occasional injurious snowball fight. I never see kids out romping in the snow anymore. I’m guessing kids today don’t want to lose their new iPhones or Nintendo Switches in the mess. *rolls eyes in manner of terribly old person who doesn’t comprehend the youth*

Unfortunately, though, my youth was the only time I ever appreciated the snow. Ever since, I’ve uttered the exact same phrase every time I see the first frosty flakes fall – “Oh, fuck.”

I’ll admit that we have been spared the worst of it this year, as it’s been an unusually mild winter (*knocks wood*), but that doesn’t mean I have to appreciate it when the snow blankets my sidewalk and lawn, causing the walk to the garbage cans to be treacherous both because it’s slippery and because I have no idea whether I will step in snow-covered dog poop.

Speaking of the dog, she’s not one to cavort wildly through the snow, either – she runs out, does her business, and immediately runs back in, which I would do as well if I had to take an outdoor shit with no shoes on.

I’d say that we got about three inches or so last night, and I’m done – my house can be taken off the list, I would like clemency. The universe can direct that crap in another direction, such as California, which never seems to get its fair share.

The only day in which I can appreciate a bit of snow (I said a BIT) is Christmas Day, during which I am sappy and sentimental and too drunk to shovel anyway.

So, if you’re a fellow Chicagoan, gear up today – bust out your boots and gloves and get ready to scrape your car off and drive through muddy slush.

If you’re not a Chicagoan, lucky you.

Happy Thursday.


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