Not Just Your Garden-Variety Neurotic Smartass.

Nervous Nellie.

I have to be in the operating room at 6:30 AM, and I’m as nervous as hell.

I’d like to believe that once I’m actually at the hospital this feeling will have dissipated and that I will be calm, cool, and collected; but I will likely be a trembling and teary wreck.

Somehow I doubt I’m the only ECT virgin to feel this way.

Will my memory be wiped like a hard drive? Will I be a drooling, stuttering fool for the next two months? Will I forget how to wipe my ass? My doctor and my extensive research have all told me no, but my anxiety tells me Yes Bitch, For Sure.

I know that this is the right thing to do and that I absolutely need to do it, but part of me pictures myself running through the hospital parking lot in a hospital gown, bare ass bared, screaming “NOOOO!” while being chased by burly orderlies.

I won’t actually chicken out. I can’t. The idea of being so fucked up that I need this is still just a lot to process.

What I need is sleep – a good solid night of life-giving Zs, but I can’t see that happening. I will probably listen to my audiobook until the drugs take hold and then gladly drift into unconsciousness until four.

Wish me luck.


12 thoughts on Nervous Nellie.

  1. Good luck, popsicle! I hope all of the bad memories ARE erased, and you can recover to remember how beautiful, brave, and badass you are!

  2. Hang in there my dear, you WILL get through this and come out the other side SHINING and so much better. I love you and I’m leaving you with this thought…Fahgedaboufit…LOL

  3. I put your name on the Praises Team prayer list. We will keep you lifted in prayer as you go through this phase of your life. If there is anything I can do to help, please let me know. Be blessed my sister and know that I love you! Jessie

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