Not Just Your Garden-Variety Neurotic Smartass.

On Being Mental.

I first started noticing that my brain probably wasn’t wired correctly at around the age of five. I had always been a fragile, delicate kid; and while I generally had a great sense of humor I was hugely sensitive and it felt like any comment directed toward me I had to overanalyze and take harshly.

Kids can be cruel, intentionally as well as unintentionally, so school was hard for me on many levels. I was very intelligent, and was forced to read poetry out loud to my kindergarten class, which left me mortified. Cliques mystified me (and still do), and I was never quite comfortable socially.

All my life I have felt the sense of being not nearly good enough – not smart enough, not pretty enough, not thin enough, and certainly not normal enough for the people around me. This led to eating disorders like anorexia and bulimia and now, overeating; and self-harm.

Not being enough feels like one is always trying to reach a top shelf and just can’t stretch far enough. It’s frustrating and makes a person very sad. The obvious thing to do is to obtain a ladder, but ladders, like meds or therapy, are often inadequate.

In early July I grew tired of reaching, became throughly disgusted with myself, and attempted suicide. I will have many horrible, 12-inch scars down the insides of my forearms for the rest of my life. In some ways I don’t regret what I did, because it’s allowed me to seek the help I truly need through ECT; but at the same time I regret the pain I caused my family and friends, and particularly my daughter.

At any rate, I’m still kicking, and I’m taking action. I may be skewed and for now I still may not feel good enough, but I’m doing my level best. It’s a start.

13 thoughts on On Being Mental.

  1. I wish we’d all go back to long form blogging. It feels good to read and hear your voice again. I started one, too. I’m going to take your lead and post more.

    This was so brave. I planned meticulously, but did not go through with an attempt. I’m glad you sucked at killing yourself that day. You are way more than enough. If you have to suck at something, please limit it to suicide. Some of us are really happy you are here on the planet with us. We loves you.

  2. I am very happy you are still here, and I am very sorry I did not know this sooner. I am just a message away. Please don’t ever feel you are alone.

  3. You know I’ve always looked up to you and thought you were someone to be like. I’ve loved you forever! You are enough the way you are. And I know it’s just words and doesn’t change the way you think or feel. And I would never assume to do so. But you are loved. And you are good enough. Love you

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