Not Just Your Garden-Variety Neurotic Smartass.

Small Animal Rising From the Earth Day.

Happy Groundhog Day, if you’re a believer that a little furry creature can accurately forecast the weather. Not that I’m giving old Phil a hard time by any stretch of the imagination – I’m sure he does a better job than half the high-tech scientific equipment on the market.

My head is still absolutely on fire and I am OVER IT. I can handle a bad headache for one day – as a migraine sufferer, that’s par for the course – but no longer, or I start to lose my shit. Logically, I understand that I bashed my head into a steel dog gate, and I have two lumps that I know are going to hurt; but the two-year-old in me is stomping her feet and squalling, “NO MORE, I DONE!”

It’s maddening, I tell you.

As far as much more pleasant topics go, have you tried ZipFizz? For the uninitiated, this is a powdered B12 and potassium supplement that comes in cool tiny cylindrical containers, and you add them to a bottle of water. I am absolutely addicted. They taste great, and I certainly could use the vitamin boost. My dad got us a box at Costco, and I hope he plans on keeping us stocked, because I probably can’t afford them.

I have a plant that my good friend Amy sent to me many months ago. It’s a sort of amalgam of four different types of green plants, and it’s been a point of pride that I’ve been able to keep it alive; because I typically have a black thumb that has murdered even small cacti.

I kept the plant on my front porch all through the summer and fall, and it flourished. Then, when winter came, I brought it in and placed it on the desk in my living room so that it wouldn’t freeze.

Nixie has discovered my hardy plant and has been frequently caught snacking on it, and I’m ready to swing her around by her tail with great force and then let go.

I love my cat so very much, but don’t fuck with the only green-baby I have ever been able to keep alive for more than two shuddering breaths.

Happy Sunday.


Concussed and Nonplussed.

Happy Saturday.

Yesterday afternoon I had a seizure in the kitchen and bashed the top of my head into the steel dog gate, knocking it right out of the doorway, and then I slammed my head into the wood floor several times before Jasmine could get to me and put a pillow under my head.

I was unconscious for a while, so she called my mom to come over (we’re not in the habit of calling 911, since unfortunately this type of crap has happened before, but I don’t recommend this practice) and eventually they were able to rouse me.

Big headache. Big. I also couldn’t focus properly for a while, and I couldn’t get up off of the floor for about a half an hour after I woke up.

I’ve had concussions several times before, and I knew I had one – the nausea, blinding headache, and increased vision problems tipped me off – but I didn’t feel like it was worth going to the ER, because there’s really nothing they do for concussions but tell you to rest.

I stayed awake for a while, since you’re really not supposed to go to sleep after a bad seizure, and then I finally sacked out at six PM and slept until four.

I still feel pretty crappy. I’m still nauseous, my head feels like someone drove a truck over it, and I’m moving a little slowly; but I didn’t crack my head open and I certainly could have, so I’m counting my blessings.

I’m actually pretty amazed at the resilience of my tough old noggin. I have smacked it on almost every available surface – wood, tile, steel, even concrete – and somehow I’ve still managed to bounce back.

*knocks wood* (but not with my head)

Obviously the universe is looking out for me, and I appreciate it.

Tomorrow I will be attending the birthday party of a very near and dear friend at her parents’ home. They were like my second family growing up, and I haven’t seen them in quite a while, so I’m very excited. (Don’t worry, I won’t get Too excited, and I plan to sit the whole time.)

Today is all about solo Netflix-and-chilling. I plan to park my ass on this couch and not remove it until this evening. Have a happy weekend.

LGBTQ Rights.

I was sitting on my front porch this morning smoking and thinking about certain aspects of LGBTQ rights – one in particular, since gender confirmation surgery will soon be covered by Illinois Medicaid, and that will mean a lot to someone very, very near and dear to me – and how these rights have come such a long way, but yet there is still so far to go.

For instance, gay marriage is now legal in all fifty of the United States (as of 2015), but that doesn’t mean it’s widely accepted or embraced by a lot of the general public.

Trans people face incredible difficulties, from having to stand before a judge to have their gender marker changed (which doesn’t always fly), to the insane twists and turns and expenses that come with gender confirmation surgeries. There is also a ridiculously high level of negative scrutiny and badmouthing of trans people, some of it present in the media or taking the form of tasteless “jokes”.

LGBTQ slurs seem to still be as common as ever, or at least they are in my neck of the hood. If I had a dime for every time I heard a guy call another guy “gay”, I’d be typing this from the third floor of my sprawling mansion.

Clearly the attitude of the general population needs to change and become more open-minded and less rooted in ridiculous, archaic pseudo-Christian ideals (Christ taught people to love one another, and as far as I know there was no disclaimer stating “unless they’re queer”); or maybe people just need to be kinder to one another.

Love is love, and in this world of stress and strife, people should be free to love who they want to love and be who they are without slander or judgement.

As far as sex is concerned, as long as you’re not involving children, animals, or unwilling partners, have at it! Use condoms, take PREP, be safe, and enjoy.

Life goes by so quickly. The least we can do is build one another up rather than tearing each other down. We can speak up when we hear LGBTQ slurs and say, “Hey, that’s wrong.” We can advocate for our queer and trans family members and friends and help them to get the support and healthcare they need. We can be active in our communities and on social media.

I am blessed enough to have an extremely diverse family and group of friends, and I will fight for them. Join the fight and stand up for the rights of our LGBTQ friends.

Have a delicious day.

It’s Early and I’m Tired.

Good morning! I’ve been up since three AM, because I am a Crazy Person for whom sleep has no meaning.

The images in the previous entry are finally fixed, thanks to my friend Gerard, who put up with me all morning yesterday. Gerard is a saint, and I’m going to start wearing a medal imposed with his image around my neck.

I recently watched a documentary called Fat. The title is somewhat misleading, since it is largely about the health benefits of the ketogenic diet; but what struck me was the effects of said diet on seizure activity. In several studies, one third of people doing keto had a major reduction in seizures, and one third had a complete cessation of seizure activity.

I like those odds. I’ve been having a lot of seizures lately, not to mention the fact that I’m at my highest weight aside from pregnancy, so I started keto yesterday.

I just ate a bacon and cheese omelette, and I have a pot roast thawing in the sink, and I assure you that I have absolutely no problem cutting carbs. Screw bread, I have bacon.

The only thing I’m truly going to miss is beer, but hey, vodka has no carbs, so there we go. My once-a-week night out can be accomplished carb-free.

Another thing I’ve been watching is the Netflix docuseries Cheer, and I am obsessed. I used to cheer and also perform on my high school’s dance team, but I was never into competitive tumbling or stunting, and it’s amazing to watch how hard these athletes work.

I also just finished The Witcher, which I highly recommend if you have Netflix. Yennefer of Vengeberg is my personal hero. Her costumes are FIERCE.

I’m still learning basic coding and doing my best to write bug-free code with the help of a book that was actually written for kids, because I’m childish that way. It’s been extremely helpful for a noob such as myself.

With that, I am going to go down an insane amount of coffee and start my day. Have an inordinately pleasant one.

Kittens!!! Also Music!!!

In addition to adorable kittens, I have an amazing music recommendation for you today. My friend, web designer, and all-around swell guy Gerard composes ambient house music and here is a link to his most excellent stuff on SoundCloud. I can’t say enough good things about it – go check it out!

http://soundcloud.com/ambient_house/tracks

Love, peace, and hair grease, kids.

Okay, So I’m a Slacker.

I said I was going to update every day and have I? No! The person in charge of this shitty operation should be fired immediately.

Oh wait, that’s me.

The kittens have had their shots and the poor things are now lethargic and hardly eating. They had their nails trimmed, too, so I can’t tell whether they’re just highly pissed off or actually sick from the shots.

We’ve had a hell of a time with the mama cat here at Casa Trance. I was told to separate her from the kittens for two weeks so that her milk would dry up and she could therefore be fixed, so I let her out of the back bedroom (the “cat room”) and gave her the run of the house.

Big mistake. Not only did my cats freak out completely at the presence of an interloper, but she PEED ON MY COUCH.

Trust me when I tell you that she is lucky to be alive right now.

After about a week and a half Jasmine and I were finally able to trap her and get her back into the back bedroom, but not before she attacked us both. The cat is scared and psychotic, and when the shelter lady arrived to take her to the vet to get fixed, she mauled her so badly that Jasmine had to use a puppy pad to stop the bleeding.

Two of the kittens are going out for adoption this week, and the mama is going to a shelter as soon as we can find one to take her. Then we are keeping one kitten, and Jasmine’s friend is keeping the other one.

Am I a crazy cat lady? Honey, I’m the craziest cat lady you’ve ever seen.

Photos coming tomorrow.

The Hibernation.

So, where have I been during the past two months? Well, you know, after convincing Harry and Meghan to relinquish their royal duties, working hard to get the orange idiot impeached, and building a spaceship out of recycled Diet Coke cans, not too much.

I’ve basically been hibernating. In November I had a truly horrible mental health crisis, and I cut myself off temporarily from family and friends, believing that this was the kind thing to do. (Helpful hint: It wasn’t.)

In December I once again joined the human race, began showering again (much to the delight of said family and friends, I’m sure), and started going to the local open mic night once a week as my re-entry into society.

Since the robbery (and if you’re not familiar with that whole mess, two guys kicked in my back door while my daughter and I were sleeping and robbed, beat, and almost murdered us) I have been constantly anxious and afraid. I’ve had the feeling that people are watching and/or following me, and it’s been hell to live with. My shrink finally put me on some anxiety medication and it’s thankfully working wonders.

The kittens are ten weeks old now and are ready to be adopted, except for the one we are keeping. Her name is Thor, since we are going along with the gender change in the Thor comics. We also have Loki, Odin, and Squeak, who did not receive a Norse name because he squeaks a lot.

I will post photos of them as soon as I can get the hyperactive little fuckers (I mean adorable little sweethearts) to sit still.

I am still active on Instagram, and if you’d like to add me, the link is on the menu on the left-hand side of the page.

I’m going to try to update this page every day, and I am still working on a book, but it’s taken sort of a different direction. If you know any publishers who’d be interested in giving me a fat advance, I’m game. Ha.

I’m also learning coding right now in hopes that I can get some work from home, and I plan to eventually take a class learning Python.

Jasmine is doing well. She has a job interview at a local car dealership on Monday, so good thoughts would be much appreciated.

With that, the time has come for me to feed the cats before they stage a bloody coup. Have a super day.




Hey Hey Hey

New and improved content coming soon!

Photos, kitten photos, and amusing anecdotes to spare!

Perhaps even more of an over abundance of exclamation points!

Hi. I’ve missed you.

The Bionic Woman Strikes Again.

I went to see my orthopedic surgeon yesterday to talk about my mess of a shoulder, and he wanted to schedule surgery immediately, but I convinced him to postpone it until after the holidays. Who wants to be laid up during the holidays? Not this chick.

So, in January I will be having rotator cuff surgery for the second time; and this time he’s going to have to do a tissue graft. Ouch! Sounds very involved, and it also sounds like I am going to be undergoing physical therapy forever.

I will be grateful to have all of this over with, and very grateful to be able to raise my arm again and do things like put on a shirt without crazy contortions and extreme pain. Damned shoulder.

In other news, mama and babies are doing very very well. The kittens are teeny little mewing precious angels who have entirely taken over my heart, and Nancy Drew the cat has calmed down entirely and loves to be petted. I am so happy to have them.

Leave comments! I love comments.

BABIES!

Four kittens!! I have tried and tried to turn this photo, but it’s not happening. Apologies.