Not Just Your Garden-Variety Neurotic Smartass.

Update From Insanoland.

Well, hi there, lovelies. I’d like to say that I haven’t updated recently because life has been running as smoothly as a brand-new Mercedes and that I’ve been having a jolly old time, but things have been pretty crazy in this neck of the woods.

First of all, I’m actually supposed to be in court today because my dentist is suing me for non-payment. The line forms on the left, asshole. I owe something like a small fortune in medical bills. Thankfully, my bankruptcy lawyer has gotten a continuance; and by the time the case is continued, my bankruptcy will have been filed.

It’s so much fun being grossly in debt and not working that I can’t even begin to describe it.

Then, my daughter started having pain in her mouth, so she went to the dentist (same dentist). She needs a root canal. Big bucks there. So, I am throwing down 110 bucks for that; and my dad is loaning me the rest. I have to pay him back every month, which is a pretty stiff bill that I cannot afford.

Then we took Jasmine’s car in for a free vehicle inspection. What we learned was that the gasket cover that holds the coolant is cracked. That’s a job that requires 7 1/2 hours of labor and costs 915 dollars. We also learned that the car is leaking oil from multiple locations and needs two new rear tires. Fabulous.

I had the car towed back to our house, since there was really no chance of getting it fixed

I have three broken teeth and need a couple of root canals as well; but even with the new dental insurance I just got and am paying a hearty fifty bucks a month for, I can’t afford the deductibles for major repairs.

So, there’s all that, and I’ve been having some pretty bad stomach pain for about a month. Friday I started throwing up what looked like black coffee grounds. Saturday night it got worse.

Yesterday morning I called my GP and she flipped out on me, saying that the coffee grounds were a sign of internal bleeding and that I had to go to the ER right away. Somewhat panicky, I went. I was so panicky, as well as dizzy and tired, that I had a seizure in triage.

After I finally came to a while later, they hooked me up to some monitors, took a ton of blood, took urine, and did a rectal exam (oh boy).

After all this joy and happiness, it was determined that I had a bad stomach flu and a possible GI bleed. (Wouldn’t you think they’d have done an upper GI there?!) I was referred to a gastroenterologist and given two huge shots, one in each arm, for nausea. I was also sent home with five new meds, like I’m not on enough damn meds already.

Therefore life has been truly lovely of late, but I’m hanging in there, and I’m lucky enough to have good friends who care and check in with me and are there to listen to my woes. It helps.

Hopefully you’re having righteously good times and money problems are not on tap for you. Be well.

My Mom.

It’s not Mother’s Day but I don’t give a damn.

I really don’t know what I’d do without my mom. She is always there for me in innumerable ways – more than I deserve, to be sure. She drives Jasmine and me everywhere we need to go, she buys us groceries when I am broke (which is pretty much all the time), she thoughtfully picks us up things she thinks we’d like, and she always answers when I call or text, even if she’s at work or busy.

She rents Jasmine and me her house on the cheap, and trust me when I tell you that I could not afford even a one-bedroom apartment on Social Security, let alone a house.

She loves our pets like her own, and showers them with affection when she comes over. She worries about Jasmine like it’s her job; and while she sometimes drives her crazy, no grandmother ever loved a grandchild more.

My mother is fierce in her love. She cares about me and my daughter on a level that is ocean-deep and desert-wide. As a teen I used to run from this love because I felt it was smothering me. I was trying to assert my independence and I pulled away. As an adult my eyes were opened and I became grateful for this love, a love that is unfailing and ever-giving.

Sometimes I get annoyed with my mom when she tells me how to wear my hair or when she complains about my piercings. Still, I understand that in her mind I am still her little girl, and she only wants me to look that way.

Lovers have consistently failed me. Friends have sometimes proven to be two-faced. I have been hurt in many ways by many people. My mother has been a beacon of consistency and trustworthiness in my life when others have let me down.

We have had our problems, but have come out the other side to have an amazing adult relationship. I’m so happy and grateful to have her.


I know that I got texts and messages from some of you yesterday. I just was in no shape to communicate. I will answer them today.

Jasmine, her boyfriend, and my mom and I arrived at the courthouse yesterday at nine thirty. Jasmine’s boyfriend came along for moral support, and my mom was a witness since she had seen the car with the two men drive by when she dropped some stuff on our porch that morning.

My mom testified first at about 11, and we weren’t allowed to watch her. She wasn’t in there for very long. I was next. There was a full jury in the courtroom. I looked to the right and saw the man who had beaten me and threatened to kill us with his attorney, sitting calmly in a dress shirt and tie. I felt like I was going to throw up.

The detective who had interviewed Jasmine and I several times was in the room, as were the prosecuting attorney and the deputy prosecutor. They were all nice people, but that unfortunately did nothing to alleviate my nerves.

I was asked a lot of questions about that day – basically everything that happened, and I answered truthfully and clearly. I was also shown many photos of my ransacked house from that day and asked to identify which rooms were shown. My 911 call was also played and I was asked to identify it. All in all, I testified for about 20 minutes. The judge released me from my subpoena, so I was free to go, and we broke for lunch before Jasmine testified.

We had lunch and relaxed a bit, and of course we were late getting back to court for Jasmine to testify, so they had someone else go first.

When it was time for Jasmine to go, my mom and I started to walk into the courtroom and were stopped. Since we had both been released from our subpoenas, we were told we could watch her, and I knew she needed us in there. Still, some lady told us that the bailiff said we couldn’t go in. I knew this was wrong, but there was nothing I could do. Jasmine was very upset.

She testified for about 20 minutes and when she came out, she had not been released from her subpoena, which means that she might be called back. This was due to the defense attorney. Jasmine was of course upset and furious, and so was I. The deputy prosecutor came out and told us we could go home for the day, but that Jasmine might get called back later this week.

I will of course go with her. I don’t relish going back there, but I’m not going to leave my daughter high and dry.

The whole process was painful and brought back horrible memories for us both. I just want it to be over.

In more pleasant news, my mom went out of town last weekend and brought me back some Amish raspberry jalapeño jam. Mmmmm.

Taking Him Down.

I was wrong – they are picking the jury today and the trial is tomorrow, but tell that to my nerves! I have been a tense, puking mess for going on four days now.

Jasmine and I do have to go up to the courthouse today after jury selection for a quick run-through so that we know what we’re doing, and I’ll be lucky if my nervous stomach doesn’t get the best of me. Thankfully the prosecuting attorney is super nice, so that’s something.

I just don’t want to see this guy. He would have killed us if his friend had not intervened. I don’t want to see his face.

I just want this to be over.


I am having a horrible, awful, no-good, very bad day.

First of all, I have court for the robbery on Monday, and I’m a nervous wreck. If you’re not up to speed on violent crime in my world, a few years ago two nineteen-year-old men broke in my back door, beat the hell out of Jasmine and me, stole all of our electronics, and one was going to cut our throats until the other convinced him to let us live. They were caught and have been in jail ever since, and now comes the time for the throat-cutter’s trial.

That’s one thing. Coinciding with that is the fact that a red, extended-cab pickup with limo-tinted windows has been idling outside my house last night and this morning with its brights on, causing me to be just a wee bit paranoid and call the police late this morning; and I now have the police patrolling my neighborhood.

As if that were not enough, the yellow color we picked out for the exterior of our house is as bright as the face of the sun, so it looks ghetto. As if THAT were not enough, it’s too cold to paint any more than the gallon or so that has already been painted.

As if all THAT were not enough, one of my cats peed on the couch. Twice. I am ready to swing both of them out a window by their goddamn tails and be done with it.

Would you like more? I’ve got more. I was sent to collections (after never once receiving a bill) for a full day of a hospital stay in 2017. Why? Because the doctor coded it incorrectly. Seems like an easy fix, right? Wrong. It happened in 2017, so it’s too late for the doctor or the insurance company to re-code it and for it to be paid for, so guess who is liable for 423.00? You guessed it. Yours truly.

My rotator cuff is torn again and it hurts like hell, but I can’t make an appointment with my ortho because I owe him money, so I guess I just have to suffer.

I could not be any more pissed off if I tried. That is not a challenge to the universe – please believe me.

I am going to go take a nap and forget that I exist for a little while.

Well, HI.

I’ve been sick. I had a 102 degree fever this weekend and spent my time languishing on the couch watching The L Word.

Thankfully I’m feeling better today, but I’m about to be in pain because I just had an arthrogram of my shoulder. An arthrogram is a test in which a doctor injects dye into a specific area and then a CT scan is taken in order to ascertain damage. Numbing medication is injected before the dye, but once it wears off, it tends to hurt like a bitch. Therefore I’m about to have another L Word marathon today, I think.

Tomorrow I am going to the prosecutor’s office with Jasmine and my mother in tow to discuss the robbery, because the trial is going to start the 21st. I’m ready to see these guys go down.

If you’re not aware of what’s gone on, a couple of years ago my daughter and I were beaten and robbed in our home by two men that broke in while we were sleeping. We identified them in a photo array, and they have been in jail ever since. Now it’s finally time for the trial.

I will have to take all of my piercings out and look presentable for court. I’m more than happy to do that.

One of these guys, the guy that wanted to slit our throats, has twelve counts against him. The other guy, the guy that saved our lives, has only this as an offense. I’m wondering how much time they will get respectively. I’m wondering how the jury selection will go. I have many questions about this process. I’m more than a little nervous about going to court and reliving the whole experience, but I understand that it’s completely necessary.

I’ll report back after I talk to the deputy prosecutor.

Right now it’s time to eat something and go and watch The L Word.


I have been busy.

There’s ECT three times a week, and my kitchen came down with a raging case of ants, so that’s been taking up a lot of time.

Jasmine has been staying with her boyfriend since Friday and she took the dog with her, so it’s been kind of nice having a break from the arguing. (Also from the dog.)

On Friday I will be done with my primary course of ECT, and then I will have maintenance once a week for a couple weeks. I’m feeling pretty good, and an added bonus is that I haven’t been having any seizures since I’ve started. Maybe this is the answer I’ve been looking for all along. It’s pretty shocking that having deep brain seizures would make me stop having full body seizures, but I’m certainly not going to turn my nose up at it.

It’s great to feel mentally healthy. It’s also pretty alien. I guess I’m so used to feeling depressed that I don’t quite know how to react to feeling good. I keep catching myself smiling and I laugh because usually I look pretty grim. It’s a good thing.

I have court for the robbery October 21st, and was in fact just served a subpoena. It’s about damn time this trial took place, and I’ll be glad to see the guys that robbed and beat us finally brought to justice. It’s still pretty fresh in both Jasmine’s and my mind, so we’ll both be glad to see it come to fruition.

I also wanted to let all of you know that if you’re donating to Patreon you can stop, as I’m not writing there anymore. There is a link to my PayPal in the menu if you’d still like to donate, and I’d appreciate it very much. Thank you!

I have an appointment today with my insurance agent to try and purchase some dental insurance. I hate to think what this is going to set me back, but it’s extremely necessary.

Other than that, I’m just trying to get my house de-ant-ified and clean.

Have an ant-free day.


Ok, it’s going to sound weird, but I feel great this morning.

Really great.

I don’t know if it’s all the sleep I got this weekend or if the ECT is finally working or what, but I feel fantastic.

Either way, I’m not going to look a gift horse in the mouth, and I’m going to jump on the treadmill in a few minutes and get moving. This is wonderful.

I feel renewed, alive. I can’t shake a stick at that.

Lightning Crashes.

We had a lightning storm last night that rivaled any alien movie. Lightning was flashing around for hours on end – it was pretty crazy. We have a small amount of water in the basement, but not much.

Unless you count my recent dalliance, which I don’t, and which ended in February, I’ve been single for quite some time; so I’ve sadly been perusing Tinder. I swiped right on a guy that was thirty or something, and since I am 45 (not to be confused with our soon-to-be-impeached president), he asked me whether I had a preference for younger men.

I kind of do.

Men my age tend to worry way too much about their lawns. I’m serious! That seems to be the main hobby of the forties-set. It’s as boring as hell. My life is boring enough without dating Captain Weed And Feed.

Does that seem misandrist? It’s not. I like men. I just don’t like a steady diet of lawn care.

Tinder is admittedly a cesspool, but I live in the real world in which people don’t bump into each other in the grocery store. I probably should start being a little more friendly in bar situations but at that point everyone is drinking, so it’s hard to say who’s acting genuine.

I am a poor socializer, definitely best left in the confines of the phone.

There. I just asked him how his lawn was. Success.