Not Just Your Garden-Variety Neurotic Smartass.

Peri-Screw This.

I’m pretty sure I’m going through peri-menopause, if the fact that I can cook a steak on my forehead without having a fever tells me anything.

Fuck this crap and the horse it rode in on. It is currently 73 degrees in the town of Chi and I am sweating. My whole body aches and last week I rage-punched a wall. I’m not having period issues, since my periods stopped when I was 26 and had my tubes cut, cauterized, and shipped overseas; but this is all still supremely uncomfortable and annoying at best.

At worst, I am a fiery bitch from hell.

Why Why Why do women get the short end of the stick? Periods, painful breast growth, more damn periods, gyno exams, birth control side effects, childbirth, breastfeeding, changing crappy diapers while dealing with periods and breastfeeding, peri-menopause, and then THE CHANGE, actual menopause. It’s just not fair. I’d like to see one man deal with a heavy period while warming bottles or breastfeeding. Babies would become extinct.

I am also growing long, random hairs out of places no longer hairs should be. Hey! There’s one on my chin that grew an inch overnight! Hey! There’s a dark one coming out of a mole on my hand! Isn’t that something! The fun never ends, and neither does the plucking!

Pooping has become a whole ‘nother ballgame, too. I have always been moderately constipated with periods of severe lockdown. Now? Jesus, I need five Colace and a jackhammer just to get things moving.

I’m over it. Completely. Now I’m going to get some paper towels, mop the sweat from under my boobs, and have some coffee before I stab someone.

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