Not Just Your Garden-Variety Neurotic Smartass.

The Mauling of the Mammaries.

Good morning, party people.

I went for my six-month checkup yesterday, and after both the nurse and doctor spent a good twenty minutes getting my medications correct in the computer system, I was given a breast exam.

The doctor asked me to “just pull my shirt and bra up”; but since I’ve put on weight, the bra I had on was very tight; and since I have a torn rotator cuff again, I had a hard time doing this at all. This made for an amazingly awkward situation, and she wound up taking pity on me and unhooking my bra.

After I was felt up by her extremely cold hands, she re-hooked me, and we just sort of smiled weakly at each other as if we had not just played out a bad high school date.

I have to get both a mammogram and a chest X-ray, since I was a bit wheezy. I am going to try to stop smoking this week, assuming my shrink actually refills my anxiety medication; because without it I would be a raging ball of nerves, chewing the drapes and possibly committing a homicide.

Today I have a therapist appointment, during which I will bemoan my increasingly poor financial situation and explain last week’s sudden, concussion-related cancellation.

Speaking of that, I’m finally feeling much better – my headache is down to a four or five on a scale of one to ten, and I no longer have the urge to split my head open like a watermelon and let the evil spirits out.

Have a superb day.


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